Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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