I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
A bitchslap is in order.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
