I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it's like iHOP with fire
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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