just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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