Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
