Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
