Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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