I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
