When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
