I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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