Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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