You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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