My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
