Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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