You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
