why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I need a beard to bite.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
