She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
