shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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