Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
