Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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