if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
