you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
