I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
