Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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