Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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