I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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