Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
