Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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