A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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