I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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