if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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