I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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