You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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