I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
