I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
