Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
They took my balls.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
