I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
