Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
