After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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