omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My dick has a subreddit
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
