Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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