so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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