I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
