we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
