Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
