my phone needs a breathalizer
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
