it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
