On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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