Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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