Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
